failure

math test with red F

Failure and the growth mindset - It’s OK to Fail...Really!

I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to fail. Don’t like to be revealed. It’s like hanging dirty laundry out for others to see. But I fail daily and so often that I now realize that my failures are part of who I am, my individual learning curve. I know that it’s important to accept the fact that I will fail, and to learn from these failures and move forward. If I don’t, the feelings of anxiety and shame associated with my failures, whether large or small, will begin to consume me and erode my self-confidence. These negative feelings and scripts are of no benefit to me, and it’s up to me to meet them head on, and change the messages that I give to myself.

I’ve read many articles on the value of failure as related to learning and growth in an individual. No one likes to fail, but some of us will fail more often than others. Dyslexics often experience their fair share of failures in the classroom, and in the workplace. The types of messages that we give to ourselves after we've failed at a given task will determine our desire to keep going or to quit, These scripts, if negative, will remain with us and will affect how we view ourselves, how we interact with others, and will influence the future goals we set (or do not set) for ourselves. This type of self-talk is limiting.

Why are some dyslexics more successful than others? Might it be that those who are successful see their failures and setbacks as opportunities for change and growth? How about those dyslexics who do not feel they have reached the level of success that they desire? Can these individuals change the messages that they give themselves when they fail, and in turn, experience positive growth and future success?

Let’s also consider the individual who generally performs above average and is constantly given the message by others that he is gifted or smart, academically or otherwise. Do these “positive” messages foster growth in this individual, or might they cause this person to hit a wall when he encounters a problem that he cannot solve? Will he avoid future problems or tasks that he cannot easily solve or complete? Will he only work at a comfortable level, play it safe, and not take any risks that could lead to greater success for himself?

The work of Carol Dweck has helped me to see the value in making mistakes. It’s o.k. to fail. Really! It’s how I will grow. But what I say to myself when I fail is equally important. My “self-talk” affects my motivation and desire to keep moving forward. Carol Dweck, Ph.D is a leading researcher in the field of motivation and a Professor of Psychology at Stanford University. She is the author of the bestselling book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”. Below is a You Tube video of Carol at Talks at Google discussing the growth Mindset:

I was first introduced to Dweck's work while taking a free online MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) through Stanford University taught by Jo Boaler, Ph.D Professor of Mathematics Education at the Stanford Graduate School of Education. As a child and later as an adult, I was one of those people who would describe herself as "Stupid in Math". I felt that I would never be able to master mathematical concepts, and it was by necessity that I explored Boaler’s course “How to Learn Math for Teachers and Adults”. I needed to help my son learn 5th grade Mathematics. I realized I had “hit the wall” with my less than desirable, Subpar math skills and was unable to fully assist him in his daily work. Boaler's course helped me to challenge the stereotypes I had about myself as a woman learning math, and her subsequent course for students helped my young son to learn the value of perservering through tough open ended math problems. Boaler's work involves teaching with a growth mindset in mind. Boaler promotes mathematics education reform in schools and challenges the myths and stereotypes surrounding learning mathematics. You can read more about Jo and her courses here at her site, www.joboaler.com.

So what does it mean to posess a growth mindset? – According to Mindset Works, of which Carol Dweck is co-founder, the growth mindset focuses more on individual improvement and less on worrying how smart one is. The big idea is in understanding that intelligence can be developed with hard work and persistence, that it is not fixed. Students who can foster this mindset in themselves show greater motivation in school, and have better academic outcomes.

We can all learn from our failures, and it is important for all of us to challenge how we view ourselves as learners. As we age, many of us get more rigid in our thinking. Young children can often serve as guides because they are learning and making new mistakes daily. Developing a growth mindset is knowing that learning is not just about producing the right answers all the time. It’s about giving yourself permission to improve constantly, to make the effort, to think outside of the box, to create, innovate, and to stretch your brain and grow.

I often need to catch myself in interactions with my young son, as I begin to tell him the “right” way he should be doing things. In many instances, there are many “right ways” to approach problems. As a parent, it is important for me to get out of his way and let him explore and find his own answers and praise him for the hard work and effort he's making. For myself, it’s equally important to get out of my own way, to keep an open mind and let myself search for new ways to do things. If I fail, instead of making the typical statement, “I can’t do this”, a growth mindset statement would be “I can’t do this….yet.” That’s empowering, and indicates there is always room for improvement with persistence. Tieing praise to effort, hard work and persistence, not to intelligence, is what will ultimately keep us moving us forward.

The bottom line? Let's learn from our failures and let them guide us. Let's confront our fears and go beyond them. Let' get unstuck. Let's try something new. We can all improve and make progress. For example, I'm learning how to write code. I have no experience with it, and would never have entertained the thought to try it before. but I'm taking a chance on myself. I struggle with it daily, but I am making slow improvement and my brain is making new connections I never thought possible. "I can't do it", becomes "I can't do it.... yet."

What’s between our ears can make or break us, and we have the power to change the tape, and change the path, one encouraging word at a time, for ourselves and those whom we love, by working on developing a growth mindset. Failure leaves us open for new opportunities, and new directions.

Read 10 top quotes on failure from one very successful dyslexic entrepreneur, Richard Branson HERE

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NOTE: This is the second of two personals stories from our guest blogger "Anonymous", who describes individual academic and career struggles as a person with LD, and who has a desire to be part of a supportive community of other dyslexic/LD adults.

photo of cloud with text:  A career that wasn't - Photo by Eileen Tait-Acker

Photo by Eileen Tait-Acker


Everyone has issues in their life. One of my acquaintances had an eating disorder. Another friend struggles underneath the surface with the fact that she is adopted. One of mine as an adult has been my career. Or lack thereof.

When we go off to college we have a picture in our minds of the next twenty years of our careers. We spend our college years picking a major, having fun, learning everything from how to write a paper to how to live on our own for the first time. (This, of course is what it looks like for those with the “typical” college experience, which mine wasn’t). No matter what you major in, you graduate with a ‘here’s how it’s going to go’ plan.

I’ll get my first job (maybe I don’t even expect it to pay a lot of money); work my butt off, stay for a few years and move on to the next. The positions will get better with each new job, I’ll make more money with each new job, I’ll move up in the world one job at a time. Perhaps I even expect a few bumps along the way. I don’t expect all will go perfectly as planned but there will be progress with each job and as the years go by. Sound familiar?

This is the way it’s supposed to work right? But what does it look like when it doesn’t. This has been my life.

First and foremost I feel like a failure. Second I blame myself. What went wrong?

Is it the Learning Disability I didn’t know about or understand until I was in my twenties? Over the years I have wondered often how much this particular issue has influenced my long struggle in jobs or with building a solid career for myself. All the LD organizations promote and champion people who ‘struggle though, overcome and become successful after a childhood discovery of a Learning Disability but nobody talks about the people who don’t. Those who drop out of high school or college. Those who get into trouble and wreck their lives in some way; drugs, alcohol, prison. Or even those who do everything right by graduating high school and college and still go through life in low paying, dead end jobs because they can’t get to that next step.

Many LD children and adults don’t fit the “normal” success model; It seems we (if you’ll allow me to speak for others) have enough pressure from the education system, colleges and employers to fit in, to get good test scores, to interview, get and do well in a career, to be the success I may not be, that I don’t want to feel it also coming from LD organizations when I am only shown people who do reach the “normal” success model.

Those of us with a Learning Disability are a varied group; some more successful than others, tell me that, show me examples of those people. I am supposed to feel inspired, hopeful, with an ‘if they can do it I can too’ attitude seeing all those success stories and hearing advice from these groups. Instead they remind me of my failure. The irony is that I have been invited twice to speak at a Learning Disabilities conference; twice I have had to back out because I was unemployed and broke at the time of each.

It’s possible my job difficulties don’t come from my LD. Is it what I majored in in college instead or where I went to college or that I no longer want to do that career I studied (although that doesn’t account for all the years before I felt that way)? Is it a terrible economy and job market that has lasted for years (also doesn’t account for the years before that)? Is it a job application process that is inefficient, ineffective, automated and inhuman among other things (we call it an internet black hole for a reason)? Is it just dumb luck (of which I’ve never had any)? Is it a mix of all of the above?

What I can tell you is it has not been for lack of ambition, lack of trying, lack of desire to have a good job or laziness. I have worked of course in the twenty years since I left high school. Many low paying jobs. Many part time jobs. Most not what I wanted. A couple full time positions that finally gave me enough money to live on but which I derived no satisfaction from my work. Lots of rejections. Or just as bad hearing nothing at all after an interview. These twenty years also include periodic unemployment for several years at a time. These times are much worse than the jobs I didn’t like.

The effects of this type of career path range from the practical; will I have enough money to live on?, How bad does it look on my resume to have one low paying, continual low level responsibility job after another? How bad do those years of unemployment look on my resume?, What are the chances of getting what is effectively an entry to mid-level job at my age, to the psychological; constant stress and worry, boredom beyond what school ever was, a huge hit to your self-confidence, constant doubt about your abilities and the choices I’ve made, fear that it won’t change, disappointment in myself and anger about all the wasted time. It’s a wonder sometimes that I’ve kept my sanity.

I admit I am my own worst judge. I don’t know why. But I have little appreciation for my struggle; for the things I have accomplished (my college degree being one of them), for the fact that I am still trying and I still want a job, or for any determination, resolve or strength that others see in what I have experienced.

And none of this takes into account how I really feel about my long struggle, myself, the state of hiring practices or the way potential employers treat applicants. Frankly I am sometimes so fed up and angry about this struggle it would probably surprise people if I expressed it. If someone were to ask how I keep going the only answer I could offer is, do I have another choice?

I keep thinking that a good well paying full time job that I enjoy will solve so many things for me. I can’t know that for sure since I haven’t had one but I can tell you for sure that not having one has been detrimental.

I am surrounded (and have been for years) by people and stories of people I don’t know living the picture I painted for myself in terms of their careers. Friends, acquaintances, scores of college alumni that I don’t know, even my boyfriend with a new job he got last year. It can be hard to listen to and watch the people in your life living what you didn’t have and don’t see in the near future. Some days I am jealous. Some days I am resentful. I would never wish my experience on any of them; I just want something more for myself.

Unfortunately I have never been surrounded by that helping hand or “chance” that is often talked about by those who are successful. Please don’t misunderstand; I am not looking for a hand-out. I am not looking for someone to give me a job I’m not qualified for. I am not even looking for sympathy in writing all this. I do not expect to be handed the perfect job, but sometimes this struggle feels ridiculous and stupid.

All I’ve ever wanted when it came to my career was a chance. A chance to prove that I am capable and can do something. To prove to myself and others that I am not stupid or lazy or a dozen other things I have thought about myself. To show the world (at least those in my world) that I am creative, resourceful, empathic, and can be successful. Somebody at the hundreds of good jobs that I’ve applied to and interviewed with to say YES!

What I found in all these years is that a career or even a job search is never a straight line to employment or success. My path has been difficult, interrupted and varied; I don’t (and have never) fit your perfect cookie cutter mold. This does not mean that I wouldn’t be a phenomenal employee; a hard worker who is reliable, prescient and a problem solver. I am all those. I believe people want to be inspired by what they do as much as they want to make a contribution. I believe people will go above and beyond for an employer if they love what they do. An employer only has to give those us with this type of history a chance. I could be one of your best employees…

I can’t be the only person in this country to struggle to find and have a well-paid, successful, long lasting career. At least that’s what I tell myself. I can’t be alone in this.

I do not have the answers for how to solve my problem. If I did I would do whatever it is. And before you start making well-meaning suggestions, please reconsider. I know people mean well. My experience though has been that suggestions and advice are often not based on what works for the person they are talking to but for the giver. Or the advice ends up feeling like criticism.

Since I don’t know what to do, instead I fumble around for ideas to change something. I’ll move to a different part of the country. I’ll apply to different types of jobs than I applying to before. I’ll change my resume and cover letters. And with every difficult application or automated rejection I think I’ll write a book about what’s wrong with employers hiring practices these days. This, oddly enough has been what I’ve been doing with my free time recently; I wrote a book (fiction, not about hiring practices). Maybe one of these days I’ll publish it, become a wildly successful writer and stop living in the cycle you have been reading about.

Until then, here I am, continually trying; continually looking for a career that I haven’t had but very much want. I’ll give you a hand if you give me one…

- Anonymous


Thank you, Anonymous, for sharing your personal experiences with our community. - The Headstrong Nation Team


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Photo of celadon glazed pottery bowl

Imagine being asked to cover a lunch break at a folk festival for an artisan that you are planning on apprenticing with. You are given a cash box, and a little worn out card with sales tax amounts printed on it. You have no calculator. You mention to the artist, a potter, that you are not good at math, and that you are uncomfortable with this idea. She giggles and says “nonsense! I will only be away for a half hour to grab a pulled pork sandwich. You’ll be fine.” You feel ashamed because she is minimizing your concerns. You’ve always been “math anxious”. Your inability to work with numbers has affected your life in many ways. You always did poorly in school, and couldn’t keep a waitress or retail job operating a cash register. Your dreams of becoming a nurse were dashed because you failed the medication math exam and you dropped out of nursing school as you felt inadequate. Your parents were disappointed in you. You felt lost and less than. That was almost 20 years ago. You are only being asked to play cashier for thirty minutes but the pressure you feel is tremendous. You tell yourself again, "I’m an adult, how hard can this be? You can do this!"

You are asked to take an item of pottery the customer would like to purchase, wrap it securely in paper, place in a bag, then add up the total cost of the items. Once you have a subtotal, you will look at the paper card to obtain the sales tax and then you’ll add the sales tax onto the subtotal and let the customer know how much he owes. After you’ve been given the money, you will make change and give this to the customer. You take a deep breath, and wait for the first customer, determined to do your best. Five people approach your stand, and your mind goes blank. Everyone is waiting, your hand is shaking as you try to add the numbers on a pad of paper. You’ve given back the wrong change, miscalculated totals, and forgot to add in the sales tax. Forget about counting up! You find it difficult to breathe, your face is flushed, you’re sweating in your long plaid skirt with a stupid frilly bonnet on your head. You keep smiling though, pretending like you have everything under control, handing out business cards for the potter, complimenting the customers on their choices, and wondering why you ever agreed to this in the first place.

Graphic Numbers make me numb with math signs and numbers all over the page

A half hour later the potter returns from her pulled pork sandwich, notices your mistakes and your upsetment, and shoots you an expression of mild annoyance and disappointment when you inform her that you’ve just botched up a number of transactions. Now, it’s your turn to take a break. In a fog, you wander aimlessly around the fairgrounds, trying to make sense of what just happened. You don’t feel hungry, and you don't feel like looking around at the sights. You’ve shut down. You can’t feel your feet on the ground, as you’ve gone numb, you’ve stuffed it inside. You count down the hours until the end of the event. You are silent on the ride home, and you find your mind trailing off during the chatty upbeat conversation in the car. You aren’t feeling very upbeat. You have no appetite for the ice cream that the potter stops to buy everyone in the car. You felt you didn’t deserve the ice cream anyway, since you're such a “screw up”.

You return home and the tears come. Your husband meets you at the front door, wide eyed. You rip off the stupid skirt and stuff it, and the frilly bonnet, in a bag. It’s hard to shake these feelings off. They are all too familiar. You feel ashamed and inadequate. Then comes the anger. You’re angry at yourself, angry at the potter, angry at the other woman in the car who can make change. Why didn’t she listen to me? Why didn’t she believe me? Then you berate yourself. There goes the tape again. The one that plays itself over and over when events like this happen. There is something fundamentally wrong with you. Why can’t you do what others do so easily? The tape continues, and you let it wash over you. You feel small.

photo of small ceramic pots on a hand

A week later, you write the potter a polite note, thanking her for the opportunity to help and for the ice cream. You repay her for the price of the clay that she had offered you in exchange for helping her out. You inform her that you are unable to apprentice with her in her studio as something’s come up, and you don’t offer her any more details. She’d never understand anyway. You’re done. The block of clay sits unused, and you let your dreams of working as a potter fade away. The next folk festival you attend, you cringe when you see a sign for pulled pork sandwiches. You never liked pulled pork, anyway...

Shame. Another opportunity lost.

I was the apprentice. - Eileen

Moving Forward:

In the past I let my failures define me. I know better now. My failures are not who I am inside, or what I am capable of becoming.

Failure and missed opportunity were an ongoing theme for me. I focused on my weaknesses at the expense of my strengths, and I was uncomfortable asking for help. I did not understand that my failures could be opportunities for learning and growing. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others, and always fell short of my ideal. I dropped out, quit and started again many times. Persistence wasn't something I was good at. I preferred to run away.

At the age of 18, I dropped out of nursing school in the first 10 months, after struggling through the program and failing a medication math exam. I felt the need to get away, so I applied to live as an exchange student in Sweden for a year to “find myself”. Living away from home helped me to gain some perspective, and gave me some time to lick my wounds. Upon my return to the U.S., I was able to begin a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. It was a major that did not have a huge math requirement, and my advisor let me work around some of this creatively through taking a foreign language.

I realized that one of the things I enjoyed most about my brief experience as a nursing student was helping each patient to feel as comfortable as possible during their stay in the hospital. I was able to identify this desire to help others as a strength for me which helped in the selection of my new major. I obtained my degree in a little under 10 years part-time, while I worked at a variety of temporary jobs. The combined work and college experience was stressful for me, as I struggled to maintain a healthy GPA.

This was a time before PC’s and Macs, and Iphones with apps. The technology that most of us take for granted now. All assignments were either written by hand or on an electric typewriter, and I used my share of Wite Out. Toward the end of my senior year, I spent much of my paycheck from the local college diner where I worked to hire a typist who could read my poor handwriting and type my research papers. I requested a dishwasher job working the night shift, as I never got the hang of waitressing as I was unable to keep track of who got which meal at which table, and I was afraid of operating the dreaded cash register. At age 27, upon graduating, I chose not to celebrate my success with a graduation party. I felt I had taken too long, and it was time to move on to the world of work, whatever that might look like for me. In retrospect, I wish I had acknowledged my achievements and taken some time to celebrate.

Hindsight enables me to understand my past struggles. After my youngest son was identified as dyslexic, I began to reflect on my past and was able to put together the pieces. I realize that my challenges in math, although I'm not formally diagnosed, are likely due to dyscalculia, a math disability. I realize now that it's never too late to learn something new, to ask for help, and to choose a new path for myself that is more in line with my strengths. It’s how I perceive my failures and how I rebound from them that is most important. I understand that I must be vigilant, daily, at keeping those old ineffective, damaging messages of the past from occupying my mind. it’s important for me to reach out to others early and often when I’m feeling stuck. I know that persistence and hard work pays off, and that it’s important to be patient with myself. I make mistakes daily, but I am not a mistake. I've learned that it’s o.k. to fail...Really! It’s how I will grow.

More on the value of failure coming soon!

Eileen

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